Heart Hazards of Online Dating

Funny story.  I met someone online (Plenty of Fish).  Handsome.  Talked about feelings.  We had so many similarities it was erie.  We talked on the phone for hours, sent playful emails back and forth, text flirted.  It was so much fun! 

He was so perfect for me it was almost too good to be true.  If I had made a list of all the characteristics that make my heart go pitter-patter, this man would have hit almost all of them.  In fact, the thought crossed my mind that someone I knew was playing a prank on me.  I finally opted to have faith that he was a gift from the universe--'Congratulations, Carissa!  You have worked so hard at resolving past issues, releasing your anger, and consciously growing into a happy, satisfied person.  Here is your prize!'

We had not yet met in person, as he was on a business trip.  He was supposed to come home this week.  

It became serious very quickly--he talked about taking me home to meet his family in Hawaii.  Quarterly business trips to Asia that he wanted to take me on.  After a bit of rightly-raunchy phone talk, he even said that he loved me.

I was more cautious.  I talked about building trust in the relationship.  I talked about my fear of moving too fast as we hadn't yet met in person.  I also talked about how seriously I was falling for him.  I was excited.  I was happy.  I was so in love with the possibilities.

And then, without warning or explanation, he cut off contact.  Nothing.  We didn't have a fight.  Our last conversation had been great.  But less than 2 days after that conversation, he removed me from his 'favorites' list.  I left a message and sent an e-mail, asking for an explanation.  In staying true to myself, I wanted to express my sadness and confusion.  Based on the past 24 hours, I don't expect him to answer me.

Of course, I questioned what I did wrong.  Was I too honest, even though he asked me to be?  Should I have not told him that I was nervous and that I did not yet trust the relationship (and that I 100% expected that  I would trust it as we spent more time together)?  Was I emotionally cold?  Did I not give him enough compliments?

On reflection, I feel that I was honest and purported myself with dignity throughout our brief 'romance'.  I was true to me.  I guess I can give myself kudos for that.  But, it still hurts.  

And I'm left wondering, at what point will I permanently lose my trust in men?  I've come across some whoppers in the past 18 years.  How many more hits can I take before I completely break down for good? 

3 Months

So, it has been 3 months since my last date. I think I'm due for another. I think I deserve another. :-)

If truth be told, what I really need is a pep talk. I honestly don't know what else I can do to meet people. I've become more involved with activities I enjoy--I'm heavily involved in the teacher's union, I volunteer at the Oakland Zoo several days/week, and I joined a sci-fi book club. I joined JDate, have reached out to old school friends, and I make an effort to strike up conversations with men when I'm out and about.

Results? Zilch! Nothing even remotely close to vaguely resembling interest, let alone a date.

I just don't get it. It's as if I have an invisibility cloak on when it comes to seeing me as possible dating material.

To make my mood even more blue, the past with my ex-husband has been bothering me this past week. It turns out that all the lies I thought I knew were just the tip of the iceberg. Remember he told me that his ex came back to Russia in February of 1992 (after we were married), she arrived with a child he didn't know he had, and that he was so upset that they had sex one more time and then BOOM, she got pregnant again? Well, I found out that child #1 was born in Russia in July of 1991. So, since I have a sixth sense when it comes to Mustapha, from this bit of information I now know:

1) He was living with Eloisa from July, 1991 until June, 1992.
2) When Mustapha came to visit me in January/February, 1992, he already knew about his son. He married me during that visit without telling me.
3) Mustapha married me in order to get visas for his child/children, maybe even for Eloisa.
4) I'm guessing that he was married to Eloisa until 1994--the year that he went to Mexico to supposedly document that he was the children's father. It also happens to be the year that he and I were supposedly married (according to what he told his oldest daughter).

What do I do with this information? How do I recover from being completely and totally fucked in the ass? Excuse the language, but I couldn't think of a better way to put it. What I'm left with is the feeling that I was NEVER loved, very used, certainly very abused. How do I get over this? How do I ever begin to forgive myself for being so stupid and gullible?

I've never seriously considered cutting his access to Aisha. Despite his flaws, I have always deeply believed that it was better for Aisha to have him in her life. So, I've never taken him to court for the money he owes me for child support. I've never argued with him, agreeing to allow him to take Aisha to Morocco for vacation when she was a baby. I've been a wimp, both in the marriage and out. However, this is just too damn painful. I need justice.

I wonder? What will happen if I finally stick up for myself and begin to heal the emotional travesty of my adult life?

Perpetual Singleness

Here's the story. . . .

I went to a speed dating event in Alameda. There were only 8 people there (4 men/4 women) and I didn't get selected as a match. Positive thing about not being matched is that I get a free speed dating event. I'm thinking maybe in May I'll go to an event in Walnut Creek. Or, maybe I'll wait until the June event in Berkeley.

Now back to the story. . .

BUT, there was a man who arrived too late for the event, so he could not join in. He hung around and after wards we talked, we hit it off, I left with his number and he left with mine.

We talked a few times by phone. 40 minute conversations. We finally met up in person last Friday night. As first dates go, I thought it was, it was, better than OK, less than great. Good? I didn't quite get his sense of humor--he made references I didn't get, or he'd try to flirt with me but I didn't know he was because his tone never changed. I smiled a lot. I don't remember if he smiled. Sounds like a (not) great date, eh?

BUT, by the end of the evening, I was starting to catch on and I was feeling more comfortable. My nervous smiling ended and genuine laughs started coming out. We kissed a little and his lips were delicious.

When we said goodnight, I left it feeling that there was strong physical chemistry and that we'd need a few more dates to figure out if there was personality chemistry.

Next day--we met again in the afternoon to take a walk. He was aloof. I shut down. He tried his humor on me again, but by this time I was feeling so uncomfortable that I wasn't getting anything he said. I tried flirting, but he wouldn't return it. He started saying things that were slightly insulting. For example, he said that "those were an interesting choice of pictures you sent me," and then would not elaborate on what he meant. I had thought they were good pictures of me. In a last ditch effort, I reminded him that I'm a literal person but that I love to laugh and laugh easily. He commented that "everyone says that but it that doesn't mean they have a sense of humor." Ouch.

When I dropped him off, he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Clearly, this one stopped before it ever began.

Clearly, I felt like crap and started second guessing myself as to what I did wrong.

Clearly, I started thinking of all the other dates I've been on that have not led to anything, and feeling more like crap because of it.

Clearly, I must have had a hex put on my love life. Or, the Gods have cursed me.

Clearly, I wanted to down a bottle of wine.

Clearly, I didn't because I would have felt even crappier in the morning and my brain was a bit stronger than my heart, convincing me that making myself feel worse was not the answer. Fortunately I didn't have any wine at home.

Clearly, I went online and, though I was fighting it and if felt horribly painful, I tweaked my profile on Cupid.com and Chemistry.com, and sent out 'I'm interested' messages to a few men.

Clearly, the quest continues.

Make $5,000 for love--here's how

This blog is a companion to my website found at http://getmemarried.googlepages.com.

I'm a 37 year-old woman and I would like to be married. I'm asking for YOUR help in finding the right man for me.

How can you help?

1) Please read my profile, glance through my interests, see what kind of man I think would make me happy.

2) Think of your friends, neighbors, co-workers who are single and who you think might be a good match for me.

3) E-mail me a little info on him and his e-mail address.

4) I'll contact him and take it from there.

How do you benefit?

1) You send me a match and we hit it off. . . and we're together 6 months later, I will pay you $1,000 USD.

2) When he sincerely proposes, I will pay you $2,000 USD.

3) When we get married, I will pay you $2,000 USD.

What if YOU are my match?

If you introduce yourself and you turn out to be The Man, I will make a donation to your favorite charity for the same amounts described above.

Why am I doing this?

I am an optimist. I believe that I can be in love and happily married.

I am a realist. I have tried on-line dating, going out to bars, attending singles groups, keeping busy with activities in my community where I could meet people, etc. Yes, I have dated, but these have gone nowhere. If I keep doing the same thing, shouldn't I expect the same result? So I decided that it was time for a change in strategy.

I am a spiritualist. The intention that I put into the universe will come back to me.

I am creative. Why NOT do this? It's the end result that is important to me and my life. Our external, technological world rapidly changes. Yet, the internal, spiritual world remains constant in its desire for love, belonging, comfort and purpose. So why not try an old approach (family & community networking) in a new way?