3 Months

So, it has been 3 months since my last date. I think I'm due for another. I think I deserve another. :-)

If truth be told, what I really need is a pep talk. I honestly don't know what else I can do to meet people. I've become more involved with activities I enjoy--I'm heavily involved in the teacher's union, I volunteer at the Oakland Zoo several days/week, and I joined a sci-fi book club. I joined JDate, have reached out to old school friends, and I make an effort to strike up conversations with men when I'm out and about.

Results? Zilch! Nothing even remotely close to vaguely resembling interest, let alone a date.

I just don't get it. It's as if I have an invisibility cloak on when it comes to seeing me as possible dating material.

To make my mood even more blue, the past with my ex-husband has been bothering me this past week. It turns out that all the lies I thought I knew were just the tip of the iceberg. Remember he told me that his ex came back to Russia in February of 1992 (after we were married), she arrived with a child he didn't know he had, and that he was so upset that they had sex one more time and then BOOM, she got pregnant again? Well, I found out that child #1 was born in Russia in July of 1991. So, since I have a sixth sense when it comes to Mustapha, from this bit of information I now know:

1) He was living with Eloisa from July, 1991 until June, 1992.
2) When Mustapha came to visit me in January/February, 1992, he already knew about his son. He married me during that visit without telling me.
3) Mustapha married me in order to get visas for his child/children, maybe even for Eloisa.
4) I'm guessing that he was married to Eloisa until 1994--the year that he went to Mexico to supposedly document that he was the children's father. It also happens to be the year that he and I were supposedly married (according to what he told his oldest daughter).

What do I do with this information? How do I recover from being completely and totally fucked in the ass? Excuse the language, but I couldn't think of a better way to put it. What I'm left with is the feeling that I was NEVER loved, very used, certainly very abused. How do I get over this? How do I ever begin to forgive myself for being so stupid and gullible?

I've never seriously considered cutting his access to Aisha. Despite his flaws, I have always deeply believed that it was better for Aisha to have him in her life. So, I've never taken him to court for the money he owes me for child support. I've never argued with him, agreeing to allow him to take Aisha to Morocco for vacation when she was a baby. I've been a wimp, both in the marriage and out. However, this is just too damn painful. I need justice.

I wonder? What will happen if I finally stick up for myself and begin to heal the emotional travesty of my adult life?